In loving memory, College

graduation goggles

[The relief and nostalgic feeling one has about a time in their life when it is about to end, even if the time was completely miserable.
Senior: I'm really gonna miss this place...
Friend: Dude, you spent the four shittiest years of your life here. That's just the graduation goggles.]

1st yr 

NSTP days. The sad part of Saturdays.

Sleep over with friends and having coffee in the morning.

Movie with friends on free time. 

First day of Summer class 2014. Look at our style.

My cool hair and comfort style.

Our phones were android and photos were crappy.

Little conversations over lunch.

Taken with Retrica. 

Night out and making connections.

That night, i didn't know everyone in the picture then.

When i entered college, I told myself to be as mysterious as possible. Was I successful? I made quite a number of friends and joined a lot of contests and events. I unexpectedly made it to the dean's list, for once in my life. I figured that I love literature so much and that even the english major can suck at grammar so there's no point in shaming other people. Not everyone gets to study structure and linguistics.

2nd yr

Full of parties and debuts.

It was the time when almost everyone turned 18.

Club fair. 

First win from speech choir. Tired but more than satisfied.

Summer fest. I always fail at jump shots like i do in life.

Biology class and unending seat works.

Photographer duties. When everyday was an adventure for me.

More birthday parties with friends.

First ever surprise by my friends but this is not my birthday.

My smile is fake, i can tell. I was really down this day. I was just asking for a milk tea, and ended up with this. Back then, they didn't know I hate surprises.

First ever artwork for my assignment -- A haiku of what I felt.

These were the days that I had to stay away from everyone. I made multiple absences and almost failed a subject. I became so lost that I sneaked out at night and started drinking alcohol which i never thought i would ever do in my life, also i had to drink 3 cups of coffee a day and smoke to feed my mind. Nobody knew what i was going through. Nobody noticed, except for that one teacher who looked at me in the eyes and told "your eyes tell that you are not happy", in that moment, i hated her for having that told in class where my classmates were there. 

Today, I realized, she's the only person in the university, rather in my entire college life who cared enough. 

3rd yr

Victory party.  The best team.

thesis!!! that familiar feeling...

i have just arrived from Cebu when this picture was taken.

R.E. 108 exposure. 

Hunger games. Every year after exam we spend time together to eat. Originally the group is composed of Jaelmar, Kerny, Nicole, and me.

My people. 

I made a letter for them in facebook, but i deleted my facebook and i don't have a copy anymore.

My squad. We are different people and though sometimes each of us becomes overly annoying, I still love you. I hope all of us will reach our dreams and find peace.

Band concerts. 

The only thing that excites me more than getting a response from my crush.

Travel break.

I always need a break. I don't do a lot of things but I'm always tired.

april - august 2016, my worst days.

What have I become?

*music plays from the background..."because the drugs dont work, they just make you worse"*

During the summer class, there were only a countable number of days that I was present in class. I was just at home, alone, either sleeping or breaking down. I had no one to talk to and i felt so hopeless. These were the days that I have undergone a lot of mental breakdowns and constantly hurt myself. Only my best friend knew the reason why i wanted to do such things to myself. And I saw it coming... I stopped being a Christian. I might be the biggest hypocrite you know but I did it because of my situation. I never told anyone about this decision because I was afraid of the judgment, but to hell with anyone now, this is my soul. 

P.S. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in god anymore. I'm not an atheist or an anti-christ. I still believe in god, I still pray, but not to the one whom most people believe in. Maybe one of these days, I'll come to find where I really belong, although i don't really like the concept of religion.

My first ink.

Once upon a time after getting this tattoo, someone told me "god doesn't like tattoos. never in the bible has it mentioned that god orders you to have your body stained with a tattoo. you just borrowed your body". I have read the Bible and never was it mentioned that god doesn't like tattoos. I'm not very good with arguing so I just stopped talking to that  person ever again. 

People call me a 'rebel'. It f*cking hurts. All my life I managed to live up to people's expectations. When I was young, I was so afraid to make mistakes in my exams because it is unacceptable in our family to be stupid. I was locked in the room for the whole day to memorize the multiplication table, and I got a final grade of 99% in Mathematics when I was in second grade. I had to transfer schools where I can be the first honor (but I only got the second best). I had to study in a school I did not like just because everyone there knows my parents. I tried convincing my parent about the course I wanted to take up, but I had to take this one so I'd be like them, so my future work is secured. godamnit. I'm a rebel when finally, I did the things that I have always wanted to do. 

4th yr

last performance for speech choir. 

stage play. 

room mates.

me being sleepy

our mother-teacher's birthday celeb.

educational tour.

more night out.

retreat. finding one's purpose.

group mates, always

selfie with saint marcellin, graduation pictorials.

the most inspiring person in the university.

product of sleepless nights

the last acquaintance party.

this was the day when I thought I'd have to disappear completely.

my new-found crush.

i can't remember how many crushes i had anymore. this one's not particularly the one that stand out the most from my other crushes because i know who. but this one is the youngest ha ha

Fourth year was by far the hardest, busiest, and the most crucial part of my college life, but this was the stage where i get to learn the most important lessons in life. 

There was a teacher who doesn't like me very much so I did things that will piss her off like taking the subject lightly, going to class late, being absent during her class and attend the next, and getting high scores.

There was also a teacher whose subject I took seriously. I almost never skipped the class but I had to that one time. It was the only subject I failed (midterms), I literally got an F. The good thing is that my final grade went up surprisingly high enough. That teacher was the only one I admired, sometimes romantically, but I'm sure it's just the intelligence I was falling for. But damn, that prof was a hottie.

Another teacher also, which I had first encountered during sophomore, is so memorable to me. I was seated at the last row, and I was always talking with my seatmates. She would always mention me and would offend me. She was really, really strict. It was her first year of teaching so I hated her for being smart but unloving. I told myself, "this is an example of a teacher that I will never become". Later on, we somehow managed to get close to her. 4th year, she enters the classroom with a wide smile and intelligent jokes. In my practice teaching, little did I know that I became just like her. She is so young but so inspiring. If I ever pursue teaching, I want to be like her.

mementos


one of the cats in the university. i named her toothful.

you are so beautiful it hurts.

the quality education is unquestionable, given the brilliant teachers and well-equipped facilities. but i do not agree with the rules imposed. i do not think that the students should not be allowed to get the education they paid for just because they have outlandish hairstyles, or colored hair, or multiple piercings, or tattoos. Stop the shaming. There were people who do not have the aforementioned qualities, and yet they were the ones who steal from the country, or commit the heaviest crimes. Just saying.

the long nights and the sad days. 

we bear the same weight.

one of the things i will miss.

my college best friend, Sid, and I, teaming up for events.

the dark age is over, Renaissance is coming.

my high school teacher once said, "life is not about graduating first, it's about having your dreams realized first". for my situation, that is very relevant because at this point of time, i cannot see myself doing things suitable for my course and for emphasis, my course which i did not choose. im not saying i regret pursuing it, but i guess having graduated is the part when i have to do the things that i have always wanted to do. finally. my ultimate goal in life is to be genuinely happy and i learned that happiness is not found from impressing other people, but from impressing yourself. I need to do only the things I love to do. I know my limits, but I know my dreams too.

this time, my life is about First Me, Second You.

Here's to recreating myself...

xx, gayle