// I don't think you know what I am //

What you see is not always what you get.

Photos are me as I re-imagine my own character.

"You don't give a fuck about anything, do you?" 

- Effy to Cook

"Thats what I always loved about you, Cook. Brave"

- still Effy to Cook

What's on the outside is clearly different from the other, but we are all the same in the inside. We only see the skins of each other--but you know we are more than that. Way more than our own skins. Nobody looks through what appears first and only few are stoic enough once they do. Are you one of the few?

If I could do my teenage years all over again, I wouldn't. I am not religious but I'd say it's the holiest phase of my life, I may have not experienced getting high nor had mindless shags, I'd say I messed up a little and just got what I deserved. Never will I change it, never will I trade the memory of it, but never will I go back to it anymore.

In a place where everyone does what everyone else is doing, I choose to deviate. It has been good so far, my only problem being here is that once you don't conform to the upper, more or less you end up dead. I don't know anything about Bristol but I know a lot about my own surrounding, I know what most people do at certain hours although I don't know what they do it for. Most of the time I mind my own biz and offer a maximum of two shits to give to others yet there are just times I couldn't help but care too much. I hate people who care too much, no one in particular but that's me sometimes. I'd say "fuck what other people think" but I'd also take the shit too personal and bury myself to bed 'cos I can't face anyone. So far, that paradoxical nature in me hasn't stopped me from doing what I like, what did was the love and respect I have for my people who expect more from me. More that is less of what i think for myself. I don't blame them though. I expect a lot from people too.

To map my own character I'd say I'm a mix of things. I used to think that I was born in the wrong time and in the wrong place 'cos everything in my system is contradictory to where I am, I think now that I'm perfectly where I should be so I will have the reason to do what I think my system should do in this vast unlikely world. Isn't that rad? I am a non-conformist who can't stand to see people fall, the thing is, I don't care at all or care too much, nothing in between. I will not care about what you do with your lives but I'd hate to see you suffer, still I'd want you to fix your shits as I do with mine. I like relationships but only the ones that are 'zero accountability, convenient-as-hell' (Zhang). I like seeking happiness but I'm also very comfortable with the opposite--these feelings are not foreign to me anymore regardless of the intensity.

Shifting to style, I would describe mine as dark and layered but comfortable. I do consider a fabric scissor as my best friend 'cos I'd cut most of my clothes into whatever I can think of like in 2013 I was so into muscle tees that even my college shirts I cut into that form, in 2015, I cut the pants I can find into shorts because I was so lazy to wear pants. Starting last year though, I wore mostly long-sleeved tops or sweaters even in summer for school because I have a tattoo in my arm but in certain occasions, I flaunt it off. It's my friggin' art. I think it was also in 2015 when I sold or gave away all my colored clothes and started buying only black, gray or white ones 'cos I thought colored clothes reflect happy person, and I wasn't. Today I'm collecting army-green coloured pieces, and pink too, yeah, practically the only colors I added in my closet. My forever favourite piece, though, would be pyjamas regardless of the occasion. 

I'm not really looking for bunch of people to like me or become my friends 'cos I'm satisfied with who I have, but you know it's my human need for my self-actualization to be affirmed, be appreciated, be accepted for what I am, who I am. 'Cos I am that kind of person, I am one of the few, as far as I know, who accept people after knowing them deeply no matter how dark their minds are. I am that kind of person now 'cos I know what it feels like to be a misfit. I am that kind of person now 'cos I also need one. So here's to everyone who struggles to please people: please yourself first. Place yourself first.

"One thing i have learned is that you should never look back. The past is dead and buried. You get nothing for living there..." - Cook

I have just finished watching the tv series "Skins" (UK) which started in 2007 and ended in 2013. Based on this source from internet, the title basically "comes from the name of the cigarette rolling papers known as skins'' which they widely use and is known as spliff, and there I can already detect the metaphor with the literal skin of human. I know I'm too late for this already and I could have regretted not watching it in my College years but hey, it's better late than never, even though as I am writing this I am both honored and dejected for the reasons that I have finally watched the best tv series and that I will surely miss everyone 'cos they have become a part of me already respectively. The characters' way of life isn't closely similar in my own or maybe the people around me but there's a tug of familiarity in everything that happens in their fictional lives because we all have experienced the teenage years. I know the relevance sucks, but it's what maketh the story rather extraordinary ravishing.

My life as a teenager, unlike theirs, isn't made of drugs, alcohol and parties but of self-loathe, solitude, constant despair and sometimes sarcastic inuendos. Kind of comparable, yeah? I can't exactly pick whose character I see my own life with 'cos I think I am everyone, or I wish I were. The manipulative Tony, the dreamy Cassie, the sensitive Jal, the loser Sid, the jealous Michelle, the inadequate Chris, the slutty yet artistic Maxxie, the hypocrite Anwar, even the fag hag Sketch. Err, first generation characters are my favourite set but I love the other two equally: the 'idgaf' Cook who happens to be the one I fell in love with among all the others, but also the I-care-about-everyone-and-everything Freddie, the dark-minded Effy (who doesn't love her anyway?), the mental and honest JJ, the bitchy Katie, the lacking confidence Emily, the I-want-what-I-want Naomi, the know-it-all, Thomas, and the useless Pandora; the I-will-fix-everything Franky, the deep-down-I-really care Mini, the trying to be cool Liv, the metalhead Rich, the best friend anyone will have Alo, the people-pleasing Grace, the kid at heart Nick, the indecisive Matty, and the just-look-at-what-I-can-do Alex. Yes I do love everyone. I mean, how can I hate them when I've seen them beyond their skins?

Course I do have personal picks in every generation, can't get away with that, can we? Picking favourites. 

For the first generation, I adored Tony for being smart-ass, but pitied him after season 1. Everything he told Sid about being a useless piece of crap came back to him. My favourite part with him is the one when he went to a uni and met this girl who resembled who he was before his accident which I reckon was his alter ego helping him to get back. I also considered Cassie for her positive attitude, I mean, she tried to make everything seem bearable, plus she's extra gentle with the feelings of others even after all the belittlement they gave her. She's so dreamy and fragile and mysterious, I like the combination. Last and most of all the characters in first gen, the one I dearly loved is Chris. He's so stupid and ridiculous and jerk, but he has the brightest ideas and the deepest principles. He said "fuck it" too much when things went wrong but still managed to get his shits done. He loved so much and showed it right, and I know he had to die, but fuck it. I love him. I love them all, anyway. 

Additional Note: It was Maxxie I had a crush on and I realized that I do in their trip to Russia.

I was kind of bit disappointed with the change of characters 'cos I already had my heart for the former but then it's what the series is all about after all. So the most outstanding character I liked is Cook, obviously. This post is in honor of him. I had to say he is my most favourite among all the characters even all generations combined, 'cos why not? He's fucking COOOOOOK. If I had to pick for my second fave, although that would be all of them, I'd pick Naomi, simply because she's the one who knew Cook better than anyone else, I'm just sad she had to die in the Redux without Cook knowing. 

Additional Note: If JJ were someone I knew personally, I'd love to have him as friend. 

The third generation has a complete different set of characters and I felt a little bit alienated for a while 'cos I didn't know anyone, unlike in 2nd gen where Effy was part of the first two seasons together with Pandora so I sort of had some idea about them, but yeah anyway, my picks are: first is Rich, he's just someone I would like to be as a person, I mean, everyone messed up and got their own tragedies but it was Rich who was the most chill in handling. Coolio. He claimed he's a metal head but he let love turn him into a completely different person, also I admired how cool he was with everyone especially after Grace died like, he did not blame anyone, he just accepted life just the way it is. I just look up to him bruh. Next and last is Alex, though he wasn't really part of the group 'cos he just appeared like Sketch from first gen, I loved his attitude, he's the best friend every girl would ask for. I love gays, y'know, just as they are.

Additional Note: For me, Franky looked prettier with braces on...and she's the least I liked.

Redux was really heart-breaking for me 'cos I expected that everyone was going to be there, but I think I just got the resolution I need. Effy not forgetting Freddie 'cos her boss looked like him so much; Cassie had been having travelled with Sid but had to move on eventually and finding her peace of mind after all she's been through, and Cook. Oh Cook. Definitely, he had gotten justice for Freddie's death  and though he still loved Effy, he found someone who loved him so much. My heart aches that Emma had to die and I still hate the Charlie girl, but I'm really happy for Cook. I'm more than satisfied that he was the one who ended the series.

All in all, I really appreciate everything about Skins, from the story line, to the characters, the acting, the cinematography, ghad I even love what isn't shown or spoken. I love the essence of the series that it is not spoon-feeding the audience.

And maybe that's all I had to say, but here are the lines I love...

"Fuck it, I’ll do it my way. And people who love me will understand why I’m doing it because they love me. Fuck it.” -- Chris

"They think we’re in heaven, but we’re living in hell.” -- Cassie

"That’s the great thing about the universe, unpredictible. That’s why it’s so much fun.” --Tony 

"Once I had a love and it was a gas. Soon turned out she had a heart of glass" -- Sophia

"I don't know why I am the way I am." -- Cassie

"It’s hard telling people things about yourself, isn’t it?” -- Emily

And here are from Cookie...

"You just burn, kid. You just burn, just keep it all on the inside.”

"We’ve got a lot in common, me and you. We’re both standing in the rain. We’re both miserable." 

"Whatever happened to all the heroes, man? I'm the last one. You hear me? The last one." 

"There's nothing to be done and you know what? It's a good thing. And that's all I have to say about it." 

"Gotta seize life, do something man, do something that matters. Squeeze the f—k out of every day. Life’s all sewn up, everything’s in its right place, charged, ready." 

"You think you know death, but you don’t. Not until you’ve seen it, Really seen it. And it gets under your skin, and lives inside you. You also think you know life. You stand on the edge of things and watch it go by, but you’re not living it, not really. You’re just a tourist. A ghost. And then you see it, really see it. And it gets under your skin and lives inside you, and there’s no escape. There’s nothing to be done, and you know what? It’s good. It’s a good thing. And that’s all I’ve got to say about it”

"I'm a fucking waste of space. I'm just a stupid kid. I got no sense. Criminal. I'm no fucking use man. I'm nothing. So please. please... Get it into your... you know... Into your bonce........I'm Cook. I'm COOOOOOOK!"


credits to all the sources, especially the skins tag from tumblr.

xx, gayle