Not a little girl anymore but still lost...in the moment

"Everybody finds Nemo but has Nemo found himself?"

I thought I had everything figured out... and then I can't even decide which filter to use on my photo.


Plans. They feel great and exciting.
Listing and checking one activity after the other as colorful visions play in my head. I close my eyes, still wide awake, while everyone else is having their sweet dreams. Yes, I dream too.

I have always loved making plans because I want to make things happen. It just feels so satisfying to check "to-do" things until I ran out of things to do--which is not what is supposed to happen after all those plans I had for myself.

It all started with the end...

Right after college, from one place to another, I found myself connecting with the world. Hopping from one place to another: Luzon to Mindanao to Visayas then back to Mindanao. From crowded cities to mountains to amusement parks to islands and beaches to concert grounds.

That's what I've always wanted, to be free doing everything I ever wanted. But it turned out that those moments are just a passing time.

My lost days, as I call it--having no direction in life and not knowing what I want for myself, losing motivation to pursue what I'm passionate about which I couldn't even remember what. But then again, one cannot be lost if they do not know where they're going.

I wasn't even drinking coffee and yet I couldn't get myself to sleep. My mind kept me awake for days as if it were some curse to punish me after getting all the good things I didn't work for. (No sleeping beauty for me)

For 3 months I was idle.
And I swear to heaven and Earth life couldn't be worse. I couldn't sleep when everyone else is asleep, I didn't eat for days, I wasn't talking to anyone. Oh god. How was I even able to bear that?

All these years I've been blaming others for what I had become. I hated myself  while always thought they made a monster out of me. But reality slapped me when a wise man I barely knew then said that it's not other people who turn us into monsters, it's ourselves for letting them. We're the only ones accountable for ourselves and feelings.

I don't have the proper resolution for this phase of my life yet because I'm still working on my falling action. I just wish I don't end up literally falling.

For now, I still let my life be until I finally find out what is there to be found. I'm happy with my job and I'm trying my best to be the person I need to become.

I'm currently living in a city away from home, meeting people so different from my people back home, doing things for my well-being.

There would be a lot of times I get sad and miss everything then tears would just start falling and it's okay. I'm feeling and living the transition of my life.

Those plans I had for myself before, I still have them. But it's not like they are compulsory that if I don't achieve them, I couldn't go on with life. They will be there to guide me, but not to determine me.

So this one's for myself:

No, I'm not lost. I do not know where I'm going but I know where I am. Maybe it's going to be a long time but I'm enjoying the journey. I'm learning. That's the most important thing.

And here's to everyone struggling with the same situation:

It would be so nice to have everything figured out, but then what? You'll get bored. If there's something we should be figuring out, it should be nothing.
I'm not saying we actually leave it all to fate, but take it as this: life is sweeter with little surprises.
Unless you hate sweets... bahala gud ka oy. :D