This Is My Now

a change so sudden--starting again from the bottom.

in the place i was born and raised, i became a stranger.
all tight, wanna let loose, missing everyone
but missing myself the most.

sleeping early, waking up early.
all-day shifting, weekday to weekend.
learning to teach;
teaching to learn;
but above all, teaching and trying to learn to love it.

my days are basically composed of
paper works, laptop, practicing to smile at people,
getting pissed at initiative not initiated, lives of my student, my life as a teacher.

every night working on my lesson, sipping on my cup of coffee,
i found out that coffee alone cannot start the work.
 you'd need music, you'd need time pressure, you'd need the willingness,
and you'd need the ability.
and the morning after, i found out that
most of all, you'd need a good sleep.
i am finally having a good sleep.

two dogs, two cats, still looking for a turtle to adopt.
it's hard to be an existentialist in a world
full of realists trying to be idealists.
i am now protecting my "image"--there's a tug of familiarity.
it smells like something that happened a few depressive moments ago.
i suppose i am once again...
becoming someone i used to be...
someone i didn't like...
someone i do not want to be anymore.

last friday night, i had 6 bottles of liquor with friends.
people who will tell you bad things in your face
but people who will do bad things with you.
my people.
we found out that alcohol is bad for us,
but we are bad guys: that's what we live for.
we may be bad guys, but sure as hell
we have good intentions.

right now i'm sitting
at the only coffee shop i know in this place,
finished two cups--one iced latte and one hot choco,
about to go home, but i remembered something:

this is my now.
if i can't beat the problem, i'll join the problem.
familiarize the way they created for me until i can lead it
and ultimately, make my own way.

this is me, trying.
this is me, learning.
this is me, fighting.