When Stability is not Stable

 

What are the markers of adulthood?

Career. Bills. Responsibilities. Existential Crisis. (?) the list goes on.

Literally speaking, adulthood begins when we reach our 20s--when Responsibilities hit us. We are most likely to have (or even not) finished our Bachelor's degree, applying for jobs, getting hired, try to afford necessary things: live on our own, buy a few appliances, manage to pay bills. 

But that is not applicable to everyone because of our Filipino culture that is it's okay to still live with our parents even if we are or we should be living on our own.

Young adults, but still, adults.

So here comes a year after managing to survive, but everything's just not enough. We strive for either a better position, or a better-paying job; we try to look for another venture--enter the world of business, do side hustles, anything--to keep up with the lifestyle we want to achieve. It's the constant desire to upgrade, to join with the fad, to feel that we belong: FOMO.

Maybe stability in life really entails unstable mind, or maybe unstable finances. Maybe stability in life meant we needed to strive more...struggle more, and not just settle. Or maybe, stability in life is not what we really aim for?

The five fundamentals of a stable life includes having a sense of home (certainty and security), secure and reliable income, health and wellbeing, supportive network, and control over emotions. These should be interconnected in order to achieve stability in life. But then again, in life, these aren't the only ones that make up happiness.

Even after getting these aforementioned, there are still a lot of topsy turvy moments that will make us question ourselves. Am I really getting what I have dreamt of? Is this really what I wanted? Am I still in the right path? And so on...

It is human nature to constantly desire. Our desires are endless -- sometimes that's a good thing, especially when I think about Hedonism, but most of the time it is not. We think the drive help us to make ourselves better, but the truth is, it buries us. The way we badly want to be better in life, is the same way we pull ourselves apart. 

Wanting to purchase something may lead to debt, and not everyone can manage that; Wanting to get a higher position may cause stepping on other people, not everyone will admit that; Wanting to be at peace may mean cutting other people off. The presupposition will have its entailment no matter what the condition is.

And in here I shall provide again details about my life.

How am I? I have settled down, but I assure you I have not settled. I am in constant desire to make myself better, which makes my mind unstable because I have the tendency to become worse. I'm holding on to Manifestation--silent manifestation, just like what I've been doing for years cos believe in evil eyes--that when you tell someone your plans, something always hinders. I have so many plans, and they remain as they are... unless I act on this Stability. 

I am currently genuinely happy with what and who I have in life right now, but of course this won't forever sustain my needs. My child will soon have dreams of his own, and as a mother I need to be the fullest of force to support him. Right now, I still have to crawl on my finances, joggle between my full-time job, side-hustles, and wife-and-mother duties, motivate myself to diet, and trying to remain sane.

Stability can both be a good and a bad status. When you're new to the feeling, stability feels good. Being able to attain the fundamentals mentioned, it can be overwhelming. But when you become familiar, or you have stayed long to stability, it will feel debilitating. 

I miss the feeling of growth. I used to feel it. Right now, I feel steady, not moving. You'll know it when you grow. You feel it in your skin--it's uncomfortable, you get uneasy, it can be exhausting, but after a little while, you can breathe well. 

Maybe stability isn't for me. 

I miss taking risks for breakfast, but I've been skipping breakfast now. Maybe I needed to re-evaluate my life and be courageous enough to defend myself, to fight for what I deserve, without stepping on other people.

I only wish the risk only affects me, not the ones I am protecting.

So help me, God.