Backlogs

 What a good feeling to finally be writing again!

A lot has happened that I have not written about: I worked, I dated someone, I got pregnant, I studied for master's, we got married, I bore my first child, I graduated, I'm back to work with a different designation, and I decided to go back to what made me feel alive. In between of these things, there were several break outs, enlightenment, and indecisive moments which have been part of my journey and that I will be nothing without—I live for those things. There were times that the feeling of being preoccupied kept me going, and I bet if it weren't because of it, I would be miserable, or at least I would think I am. Nevertheless, I could just cry but then I am glad that I had things to do. My son is growing fast. The days are becoming shorter. Everyone seems to rush everything. Isn't it a crazy world? We think we got all the time in the world and yet we are running out of it. Oh, it reminds me of my number one motivation: deadlines. I can't imagine this journey–called life–without deadlines. I, myself, am pretty much of a procrastinator and I love taking rests all the time but sure as hell I am an expert when it comes to cramming workloads! I wish I changed this attitude when I could, but I'm just lazy to do it. I just want things to slow down for a little while, since this pandemic caused everything to delay or worse, stop. I decided to re-develop hobbies. Looking back, I realized that there were so many versions of myself that I created before things got a little bit distracting and I have forgotten which version of those I created was the original. I hate to say it, but sometimes, at some days, I feel like if this situation did not happen and for the way things could have been significantly different, I wouldn't have the chance to do the things that I am doing right now. I mean, those that make me feel better and more alive. Backstory: Once upon a time my faith in passion has been stolen from me. I feared that the happiness in doing things I love will no longer give me comfort. Since that moment, no matter how much love I put into what I am doing, that love fades away. Kairosclerosis? But it is in the past now. I'm glad it is.

Now, I am taking portraits again whenever I find time and it helps me think better. It brings back creativity in my life by visualizing concepts and ideas. It does have positive effects to my mental health. I hope everything is easy as it seems, but I know it's not. Everyone is struggling. We are all struggling. There are days that we're on the loose but most days we are barely surviving. We can only hope for the better, if not the best. But one thing I've been trying to accept ever since this trying time began is that, even though we have lost a lot already, we still have a lot to lose. In that case, strive like we have nothing to lose... except hope. I hope you feel better.