Hello, My Old Heart

The following write-up has fragments of lines from songs, and a little mix of my current emotion. 

How have you been? Are you still proud of me? 

Me? I am not fine. I am not proud of me. 

But how are you? It has been long since I last talked to you. 

It has been long since I last felt you. Some might consider me at peace, but it feels so wrong. Everytime I get up, I feel my body getting weaker. 

 A superior once told me, “you are not supposed to dream anymore. You are supposed to work.” But how am I suppose to work, if I am not working for my dreams? The dreams you built for me. The dreams we lived for. The dreams that kept us alive. The dreams that made me talk to you again. It feels wrong now. The dreams feel like nightmares—haunting me in at night. But they’re still my dreams. 

 I feel like lost in translation once again. My god, how many times on our twenties do we get lost? Or maybe I haven't really found me, yet? I was found, but not by myself. I am currently found, yet I'm still looking for me. 

 Is life any different when we're 30 though? 

 I joined a group on facebook called Ready2AdultPh and I wish I did earlier. Basically, everyone is helping out everyone else not literally but by giving advices, advanced choices, sometimes unsolicited. It helps a lot. From financial to spiritual to mental issues, people share their experiences and thoughts, and something is always worth pondering upon. 

 I've read someone asking "I was kinda wondering if life would be the same when you're in your 30s?" 

 And I pondered: When I was a teen, I hated my life. I couldn't wait to work and make my own money. I couldn't wait to spend my own money for travels. I was always the kind of person to invest on experiences—que sera sera. And it happened, but not any better. I got what I wanted but it didn't feel enough. Of course it wasn't. Something always comes in the way, but I regret nothing. It's just that, I could have done better. 

 Now I am an adult but still not ready. I was never someone who comes with a plan. You know that. No savings, no house and lot, no life insurance, no investments, no nothing. When I say I could have done better, I meant I wish I had saved up something for my future--the present. I did save up something, but not funds. You know, sometimes, I hate myself for having prioritized my travels, going to concerts, and trying out new things instead of working for my future. But I cannot turn back time now. So I just want to thank myself, you, for doing it anyway. Thank you for the beautiful places, for the wonderful moments.. Thank you for meeting beautiful people who changed my perspective in life, and I thank you for taking risks. 

 I couldn't have done it any better.

I couldn't have been any better.