Notes //

I realize I'm just just another human. Like the others, flawed, clueless, fucked up. Nothing extraordinary. I thought I was different. I thought I am not like them, the miserable ones. I thought I can be who I make myself to be, because all my life I wanted to be different. I wanted to be somebody.

I'm now at a point in my life where nothing makes me happy: not myself, not people around me, not the things I have, not even the things I want. How do I even survive this life? It sucks. It is literally sucking me in. Most days I feel like I am emotionally doomed, but there are times that I am emotionless. Like I don't give a shit and all because the universe doesn't. Days when I feel so sorry about the people in my country, but also times that I think these are all normal, that people suffer. Most of the time, I am enraged with the stagnancy of my life in all aspects, that I'm no different from others, most especially from my old self, but at some point I also don't care. Because who does?

My "about" section tells I believe in everything. Well, I used to. I'm changing it now. I still believe in things but not everything. I realize how gullible I was to believe everything. Thanks to the people around me, they taught me that humans are the worst beings, that selfishness is a must, and that there's no one else in this world could save me, apart from myself. I learned that I need to be self-centered too, because who else would care, I am my own god, I am the master of my life. No matter how many times I tell myself to keep away from people who do me no good, I still end up accompanied. And it's not like the best for me. I hate to be with people who destroy my ego, damn, who would even want that. So this is to the people whom I never wanted to be with... I trusted you. I never faked you. There were times I really felt bad about you, but I let it, because I believed in humanity. I believed there's goodness in you. I believed we would be happy after all. No I don't believe anymore. I am not sorry for what we had, I'm rather sorry for what I have become.

When I was a kid my parents enrolled me in different classes every summer. I had voice lessons, speech class, math tutorials, guitar and piano lessons. And what I am now? Nothing. I don't have a good voice. I sing, but I am not good. When I do, people would tell me to stop versifying (fckya'll).When I speak, I'm never formal, I stammer a lot. Yes a lot. I suck at math, big time! And I don't even play any instruments. I am good at nothing. Years ago, maybe 5, I told myself "I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet" (courtesy of mayday parade, miserable at best), now I still haven't. Yes I want to sing, I want to play instruments, there's a lot of things I want to be good at. My problem is, they tell me I should be good at this, so I should focus at this. I can't. I want to be everything.

There's still more I want to write. Enough for now.